MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 16 – Triple Edition #2!!

Names: The Barking Spider Brothers
Occupations: Really Bad Thieves
Realm: Imhin

The Barking Spider Brothers have a bit of a gas problem – okay, it’s a big problem. They fart wherever they go, and MAN are they stinky. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the picture above; just a few minutes before I snapped this photo, they were standing in a lovely green forest. One huge fart later, and they’re standing in a dead forest.

I mean, just look at the middle brother – he’s about ready to explode again already.

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 15 – Triple Edition!!

If you’re anything like me, you might be a little bored with this one-on-one matchmaking. So let’s spice it up for a bit, by tripling our output!

Names: Polat, Ramos, Tanris (aka The Dough Boys)
Occupations: Comic Mischief
Realm: Ther’eldo

The Dough Boys have made a bit of a name for themselves in Ther’eldo because of their crazy hijinks. These misfits are best known for that time they went cow tipping at a local farm, not knowing that the “cows” were actually just cow-shaped bodybuilding black mages. They got their asses kicked for like 4 hours straight, and videos of them getting drop-kicked by cows circulated in YouTube for quite some time, making them minor internet celebrities.

Mischief aside, these poor guys haven’t been too lucky with the women. The thing is, they’ve grown so close over the years that they refuse to not be in the same room at the same time. This gets a little awkward during two major times – showering and love-making.

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 14

Name: Aughkin the Comfortable
Occupation: Warrior
Realm: Asyer

Aughkin the Comfortable like to be comfortable. Just look at the wonderfully fluffy fur cloak he wears. You think he wears it to stay warm? Pshah, he’s suffering for fashion. And that long, wavy hair? He loves the way it flaps against his ears in the wind, deliciously tickling his little lobes.

I could go on and on. I mean, look at his crotch protector – the thing is snugged-up to the max, to give him that comforting “cupped” feel. And a fur-lined belt? Do I need to keep going? Okay, I will – he owns a water bed. There, I said it. It’s the pinnacle of comfort, even in the mystical world of LARPing.

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 13

Name: King Sheanrad the Bored
Occupation: Um, King.
Realm: Empol

King Sheanrad is the latest in a long line of kings that were super-bored. You see, many generations ago the then-king of Empol, Felagy, employed the services of a witch to remove some unsightly moles (347, to be exact) from his face and then stiffed her on the payment. She then cast a powerful spell of boredom upon him and his royal court, and since then everyone has been super-bored, all the time. I mean, just take a look at him and his sister, Onll. Suuuper-bored. Even their jester (pictured behind them) isn’t having a good time.

By the way, if there was no curse, King Sheanrad was going to be subtitled “the Babyface” instead of “the Bored”. Poor guy hasn’t shaved a day of his life.

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 12

Name: Dratin
Occupation: Fighter
Realm: Sulkin

Okay, I’ll just be out with it: Dratin has a small penis. I know, I didn’t want to go there, but it’s important to my tale. You see, Dratin is a compensator. I mean, look at all those massive, phallic horns sticking out of his armor! And why do you think he has such long hair? It’s to fool people into thinking he has a long…something else. And did you get a look at his sword? The poor idiot went into the armory and bought the biggest sword he could find – paying no attention to the fact that he accidentally bought the cardboard display model instead!!

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 10 – Puppy Dog Edition!!

Lots of people don’t know this, but dogs are LARPers, too. And sometimes, they need loving just as much as we do. Unless they’re spayed/neutered. Damn you, Bob Barker. (Note to self: Remember to take that line out whenever Mr. Barker kicks the bucket.)

Name: Chompers
Occupation: Dog
Realm: Keltor

Chompers is actually a pug/spider mix. Don’t ask. Anyway, he’s had a hard time finding dates because of all his extra appendages, but the ladies seem to be forgetting something – having a ton of legs in bed can get very interesting.

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 09

Name: Ageran
Occupation: Studio Drummer
Realm: Inausk

Ageran, professional drummer known all throughout Inausk for his use of unconventionally-huge drumsticks (pictured above), has a hard time finding work. Problem is, he has two strikes against him:

1. He’s Middle-Eastern. What, you thought that super-anti-terrorism and xenophobia were only in America? Sheesh, Americans are so self-indulgent!

2. He looks like a tiger, and as we all know, tigers are the most badass of the big cats. People are scared he’s going to gut them the moment he starts to feel a little peckish.

And women-folk? Don’t even ask. He hasn’t been on a date since September 11th.

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 08

Name: Angrr the Angry
Occupation: Orc, Dragonslayer
Realm: Tia’ilde

Today’s matchup is pretty simple. Angrr the Angry is the only orc in town that works as a dragonslayer. His “unique” career choice comes from a deep and simple need – he loooves the color green. So much so that he slays dragons just so he can take their skins home and put them on his wall (hell, it’s easier than putting wallpaper up, trust me).

What he really wants is a green wife, but as we all know, only trolls are green, and they HATE orcs. Usually.

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 07

Name: Tinen
Occupation: Crowned Prince
Realm: Yeraban

Tinen, heir to the Yeraban throne, is one self-centered bastard. He feels that making a grand entrance is sooo important that he actually has two fire-breathers follow him around and breathe fire every time he enters a new room. Yes, you read right – every new room. That may sound ridiculous now, but imagine when he wants to go to the royal bathroom to take a royal dump, and he’s got fire-breathers all over him!

But this fire-breathing has caused a bit of discomfort for “poor” Tinen. It gets HOT standing under fire all the time. What he needs is someone to cool him off.

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 06

Name: Beyt
Occupation: Fighter
Realm: Lonab

Beyt has a nasty habit of killing every man he sees in sight. Raised in the realm of Lonab (which we all know to be populated by only women), he never met a man until he was old enough to wield his trusty duct-tape axe. By the way, you think that being raised by women would have made him a bit better at sewing his own clothes.

I’m dead serious, he kills every man he sees. Just look at the picture – he’s resting his axe on a corpse from just a few second beforehand. And he’s a great warrior, although his only weak spot are his eyes, which he keeps shielded by sacred glasses of protection. His killing has gotten out of hand, and he was recently expelled from Radlor University and forced back home to Lonab.

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 05

Name: Lunyson the Leaper
Occupation: Fighter, Bard
Realm: Workely

Oh, Fuck. Lunyson the Leaper, the best singer in all of Workely, spent years saving up all his gold for some new armor. Do you even realize how many goddamn slimes he had to kill in order to get enough gold to pay for it? I won’t even talk about the time he tried to find goldman and instead met up with a gang of wyverns.

So he goes to the local shop, buys his new armor, and takes it home to get suited up. He’ll show those wyverns. Yes sir. And then he looks down. Doh! There is a friggn’ four-foot gaping hole in his armor! How the hell is this going to save him at all?

What Lunyson needs is a short companion. Someone to…mind his gap.

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP (Update)

Dear Readers,

First off, look at all those damn LARPers above!

Secondly, I’ve decided to post my hated/beloved MatchMaker: Love at First LARP segment as a weekly feature. They’ll post on Mondays, starting tomorrow (which is a Monday by the way, so it makes sense).

One love,
Russ

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 04

Name: Torril
Occupation: Rogue Faun
Realm: Ryperaw

Two quick facts about Torril – he always carries two swords, and hallucinogenic mushrooms grow from his horns on a daily basis. I mean, they actually GROW from his horns, and sprout up every morning. He’s made quite the living selling these mushrooms to mages and hippies throughout Ryperaw. However, he’s grown weary of the company he keeps, and wants to get out of the drug business. Especially after watching the latest season of The Wire. He wants out. Unfortunately, there’s that whole “shrooms growing on my head” thing.

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 03

Name: Zyrik the Black
Occupation: Night Elf, Mailman
Realm: Warin

Zyrik the Black, Mailman of Warin, is the only night elf I know of that is afraid of the dark. The poor guy has been deathly afraid of all things unlit since he was but a wee elfling. Unfortunately, night elves are hardwired to be nocturnal, and Zyrik is forced to drink about a dozen energy drinks a day:

Because of the fact that he chose to stay awake during the day while his people slept, Zyrik was eventually taken in by a nice human family and raised as one of their own. An unfortunate (but predictable) result of this upraising is Zyrik’s preference of human women as potential companions. Problem is, chicks don’t usually dig night elves.

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 02

Name: Linykin
Occupation: Fighter, Thief
Realm: Shirdan

Specimen two has some issues with normalcy. His problem is that he’s probably the most normal-looking dude in Shirdan, and for that he gets teased constantly. He’s tried all sorts of things to appear “extreme” – he’s actually gone as far as drinking an energy drink and eating Doritos chips AT THE SAME TIME, in public! And as everyone knows, Doritos are the pinnacle of extreme foodstuffs.

He even recently grew out his hair in a desperate attempt to look “unkempt” but it just came off as a bit lazy.

At the local drinking hole on Friday nights he’s overlooked when standing next to the usual fare of goblins, orcs and white wizards. What he needs is a girl that is so out-there, so crazy-looking, that her extremeness will rub off onto him as well.